Planet Earth II

after David Attenborough


Planet Earth II is thinner than ever

Planet Earth II contains the following upgrades and bug fixes:

Interfaith dialogue



Colour-blind police

Infinite non-renewable energy sources

Only your favourite foods

Only your favourite people

Only tolerable music

2016 removed as causing problems for some users

Enhanced type face

Compliments-only setting

As many chances as you need

As many bullets as you need


Planet Earth II has had the headphone jack removed

Planet Earth II is now remorse-free

Planet Earth II also comes with:

Sleep mode

Benefit of the doubt

Unlimited hindsight

Free wi-fi

The ability to add or remove children

Loneliness-to-wisdom converter

Compulsory sport

Compulsory art

Compulsory empathy

No first-hand shops

1 complimentary hug at the beginning and end of each day

Peanut Butter now tax-deductible

All toilets unisex

All colours gender neutral


Planet Earth II was designed in California and assembled in China

Planet Earth II is repayable in easy monthly instalments

Planet Earth II allows you to love the right person first time round

Planet Earth II contains no small print

Planet Earth II is all small print

Planet Earth II is only sunrises

Planet Earth II is only destinations

Planet Earth II is only Ts and Cs

Planet Earth II reserves the right to

Planet Earth II begs the question

Planet Earth II is yours for just

Planet Earth II is currently out-of-stock

A Change of Climate (Image Credit: Matt Girling).

This poem, written by Ben Norris, is taken from the collection ‘A Change of Climate‘, a collection of poems written about climate change from poets across the world, with all proceeds going to the Environmental Justice Foundation.

Leave a Comment